I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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