All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
