Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
