Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
