honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
