I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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