I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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