she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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