Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize