i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
