I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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