I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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