She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
