im six kinds of drunk right now
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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