Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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