Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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