Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
