she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
