Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
