when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
