i jhust puked up my retainher.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
