I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
