im six kinds of drunk right now
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize