Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
