TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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