I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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