I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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