mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
True strength comes from lack of pants
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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