I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
