Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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