I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
