WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
