There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
