He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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