I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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