I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
