You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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