You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
