I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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