my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
