I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
