it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
