at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
