Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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