I'm passing your future prison.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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