her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
