I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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