put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
