It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
