Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
