I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
