The maid of honor just puked.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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