i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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