New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
