I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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