Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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